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No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



The Prim Miss Perkins 

A Sketch in One Act 



As produced by 
HARRY LA MARR 



NOTICE 

This play is published for the free use of amateur players and 
organizations only. Professional actors or companies producing 
it in any form or under any title, without the permission of the 
author, who may be addressed in care of the publishers, will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1917 



t'o 



t,3 



^ 



V 



.^1 
The Prim Miss Perkins 



CHARACTERS 



HuLDAH Perkins, who advertises for a husband. 
Martin Muldoon, who answers, but does not answer. 




Copyright, 1917, by Harry La Marr. 
Professional and moving picture rights reserved. 



f^ 

©CI.D 46382 
MAR 15 1917 ^^^P9o-0u6484 



The Prim Miss Perkins 



SCENE. — Sitting-room ifi the farmhotise <?/ Huldah Perkins, 
a New England spinster of uncertain age. There is an old- 
fashioned couch at L. One or tivo easy chairs and one 
hard-bottomed chair. Old-fashioned rocking-chair up stage 
at R. Door L. B. and zvindow R. B. The rope of a dinner 
bell {outside) comes in from above and is fastened on nail by 
zvindow. 

(As curtain ascends there is a knock at the door ; no one 
answers ; another knock, and in a moment Martin Mul- 
DOON, a trampish looking fellow, sticks his head in the 
door ; seeing 7iobody, he enters and looks about him.^ 

Mart, {looking at paper in his hand). This must be the 
domicile. I slumbered in the feathers at a neighboring house 
last night and me optics discerned this advertisement in the 
weekly paper which is published every month. {Reads.') 
" Wanted, a man to help on a farm. Bachelor or widower 
preferred. Might consider matrimony with the proper party ; 
Huldah Perkins." {Looks up.) I'm neither married nor a 
widower, — I'm a democrat, but democrats sometimes get into 
trouble. I'll take a look over the farm and see if it's got any 
stumps or mortgages on it. \_Exits softly. 

Enter Huld. with tivo or three letters in her hand. 

HuLD. It beats all how we country people is favored. The 
Congressman what invented Free Rural Delivery oughter have 
a bigger headstun than the doctor what got up pink pills for 
pale people. I advertised in the weekly Whangdoodle only 
las' month, and here's three answers fetched right at my door. 
{Sits down in rocker and wipes her specs.) Martin With- 
erspoon was over last night an' proposed to me again. That 
man has popped to me thirty-eight times and I've set down on 



4 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 

him thirty-nine. I told him "No" twict last night, an' he 
left in a high dungeon. He's been sparkin' me over thirty 
years and says he's gettin' discouraged. (^Rises and goes over 
to I..) I told him faint heart never won a cook-stove, but the 
last thing he said as he started away, — after givin' my dainty 
hand a good squeeze, — was, "You may change yer mind, 
Huldah Perkins," — he alius calls me Huldah Perkins when 
he's miffled, — "an* if ye dew, ring the dinner-bell an' V\\ 
come a-flukin'." The very idee of ringin' a dinner-bell to call 
a man over to marry ye ! Marriage bells is all right in their 
place, but I hain't quite ready tew plunge inter matrimony that 
bad. (^IValks back to rocker and sits down ; picks 7ip one of 
the letters from table, opens it and reads.') "My dear Miss 
Perkins : 1 notice ye want a husband ; do you keep a hired 
man, an' is yer house lit by gas and het by hot water?" 
{Drops letter.) Well, of all things. He must take me for 
one of them multiplication millionairesses ! . If I could afford 
all them fiamdoodles, I wouldn't think of gettin' married. I 
might settle on Martin VVitherspoon if he wa'n't poorer'n Job's 
turkey, but Martin never was forehanded. {There is a knock 
at the door ; she starts and rises.) I wonder if that's Martin 
with another pop ? {She runs over to the glass and commences 
smoothing back her hair; reties her apron.) 1 shall never 
marry Mr. VVitherspoon as long as I'm single. {Another 
knock ; she grabs her knitting work and runs over and sits 
do7vn in rocking-chair ; calls out.) Come in ! {Enter Mart.) 
Sakes alive ! Who be ye? 

Mart. I hope you'll pardon this intrusion 

HuLD. Be you a book agent, er some human bein' in dis- 
guise ? 

Mart. Me family name is Muldoon, and a fond parent 
christened me Martin, consequently I always register at me 
hotel as Mr. Martin Muldoon, Esq. 

HuLD. You talk like a booktionary. If you'd wash yer 
face an' hands I might recognize ye as some friend of the 
family. 

Mart, {tvith dignity). Madam, I started out in life with- 
out a dollar in my pocket 

HuLD. Well, I started out in life without even a pocket. 

Mart. This is a cruel world. At the first place I stopped 
at last night and asked for a lodging, they said everything was 
full except the hen-house. I told them it was rather a foul 
place to put a man whose ancestors came over in the May- 



THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 5 

flower. They told me I would feel right at home then (blub- 
bert?ig), as the chicken coop was full of Plymouth Rocks. 

{Weeps.) 

HuLD. An' did you tackle the hen-house? 

Mart. Yes, I boldly entered. 1 drove an old hen off a 
nest and laid where she'd been setting, then I went over and 
set where a hen had been laying. But everything was too hard 
and 1 left. 

HuLD. [laughing). Excuse my cackling. But ye oughter 
hev looked fer a nest of soft-boiled eggs. Mercy ! 1 see some 
mud on yer feet, — did ye use the door mat ? 

Mart. I introduced myself as I came in 

Hui.D. 1 alius like to have everybody scrape acquaintance 
with the door mat. Martin VVilherspoon alius wipes his feet. 

Mart. Pardon ray verbosity, but are you the prim Miss 
Perkins who advertised with a view to matrimony? 

HuLD. {suddenly si/ting up in her chair). An' be you the 
ninny-hammer who wanted a steam-heated hired man an' a 
house het by gas and lighted by hot water ? 

Mart. I'm a gentleman if my clothes are made by a tailor. 

HuLD. Well, take a cheer. 1 alius want a man tew set 
down when he's standin' in my presence. 

Mart. I obey with alacrity and much condescension. 

Hui.D. Say, if Martin Witherspoon had ten thousand dol- 
lars an' your gift of gab, I'd marry him ter-morrer. (As 
Mart, is about to sit down in one of the best chairs she yells.) 
Sakes alive ! Not tiiat one. (Mart, springs up.) Well, of 
all things. That's my bran' spankin' new one that I jest got 
with seven dollars wuth of Larkin soap. (He starts for the 
couch.) Nor tlie sofy either. I've jest had that covered with 
six cent caliker, an' I'm expecting Mehitable Skinner over this 
afternoon, an' 1 want it to look its best. Ye don't know 
Mehit, do you? (Mart, shakes his head.) Well, Mehit an' 
Dan Ludlin is own cousins on her father's side. Mehit's 
mother's name was Carncross afore she married Skinner, — and 
the Carncrosses was poor sticks. 

Mart. I came here in answer to your advertisement. 

HuLD. Be you an Irishman or a hobo? 

Mart. My father was Irish and me mother was French. 

HuLD. I didn't know but what you was one of them Scan- 
dulivians. 1 hain't very partial to furriners. 



b THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 

Mart. I was born in America, the land of the free and the 
home of the Trusts. 

HuLD. Well, 1 was born and brung up right here on this 
farm. I want a man that don't chew, smoke, drink, swear, 
find fault with his meals, who goes to cliurch and wipes off his 
feet when he comes into the house. 

Mart. You'll have to rob the cradle to find such a person. 

HuLD. Martin Witherspoon has all them qualities, an' a 
lot more I know nothin' about. 

Mart. I stopped at his house last night and lie sent me 
into the wood-shed to smoke. 

HuLD. If you come here you'd have to give up smoking. 

Mart. If I don't come, I may have to give up eating. 

HULD. Do you know anything about farm work ? 

Mart. I had the liay fever once. 

HuLD. Do you know anything about cooking? 

Mart. Me sister graduated from a cooking school. 

HuLD. I've heeid tell of iheui fancy Noo York Cheefs who 
git ten thousand dollars a year an' don't haf ter wash dishes 
er sweep an' dust. 1 et dinner at Sime Henderson's tavern 
onct, an' I never et sech vittles. We had sculluped lobsters 
a la limburg. Paddy de Photygrafis, hickory nuts on the half 
shell, roast pork garnished by apple sass, roast duck with 
brown gravy, an' wound up with a kind of licker. 1 didn't 
care so much fer the puddin', but 1 et that juice till I could 
see two puddin's stid of one. I never cut up so much in my 
life as I did that day down at Sin)e Henderson's after eatin' 
that puddin' dressin'. (^Lattg/is.') 1 tried to jump over the table. 

Mart. It was such tbod as that which ruined me digestion. 

HuLD. You'll have no trouble of that kind here. Be you 
a man of means ? 

Mart. I carry me capital in me hat. 

HuLD. You must be an organ grinder. 

Mart. I have a splendid appetite and two strong arms, 
and am a willing worker. 

HuLD. {rising). Well, you may go out and swill the hogs, 
then you may water the geese, milk the cows, bed down the 
cattle, salt the sheep, grain the horses, feed tiie calves, strain 
the milk, gather the eggs, shut up the hens and put a new 
hinge on the barn-yard gale. After you get that done, come 
in and I'll find you something to dew. 

(Mart, looks at her in ivondennenf.) 



THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 7 

Mart. Find something to do? 

HuLD. To be sure. If I have a man, he must spend all 
his idle time workin*. 

Mart. When do I eat and sleep? 

Hui.D. Well, if you liurry yoii kin git the chores done by 
eleven p. M., an' you kin sleep 'til four a. m. 

Makt. I'll need an alarm clock under my pillow. 

HuLD. Then you'll be sleeping overtime. {Goes over to 
table at upper r., where she busies herself while talking.) I 
alius was a nervous, timid little tiling, an' I think I would feel 
safer with a man in the house, even if he was an apology. I'm 
dreadfully skeered of these burgular fellows, an' I dassent shoot 
a pistol. 

Mart. If a burglar enters, look daggers at him. 

(^She looks at him.) 

Hui.D. You'd belter hussle your boots, fer I'm expectin' 
cump'ny, an' I've got tew sweep an' dust, do up the ironin', 
make a batch of biscuits, tie off a comfortable, beat up a sponge- 
cake, and set a hen. Your bill of fare fer breakfast will be 
dried apples, johnny cake and marmalade. On Sunday morn- 
in's you'll have a dish of stewed prunes extry. 

Makt. I hope you'll forget to call me on Sundays. 

HuLD. I'll not forgit to call ye up, an' I may call ye down. 

Mart. Excuse my seeming impertinence, Miss Perkins, but 
your advertisement said sometliing about matrimony? 

Hui.D. Massy sakes alive ! Do ye think fer a minit that I 

would consider matrimony with — with Why, I come of 

one of the best families in Vermont. When I marry, it will be 
tew somebody in equally socialistic circumstances. {He turns 
to go.) I see there's a hole in your coat. Let me have it an' 
I'll darn it fer you while you're out doin' the chores. 

Mart, {taking off coat). Thank you, Miss Perkins — 'tis 
an honor to have you curse me — er — I mean "darn" me. 
{Hands her his coat.) I beg pardon, my meerchaum, — it 
might be lacerated. 

{Reaches in his pocket and takes out a short, black clay pipe 
and places it in his vest pocket.) 

HuLD. Land of Goshen ! An' dew you put that in yer 
mouth ? You'll haf ter go down in the back forty when you 
smoke that old settler. 

{She takes his coat a?id he starts away.) 



8 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 

Mart. If you want me, ring tlie dinner-bell— I jusl love 
the sound of the dinner-bell. \_Exit. 

HuLD. 1 wouldn't dast ring that bell fer fear that Martin 
Witherspoon would think I had decided to take him fer better 
er wuss. {Goes to work basket for 7ieeiile and thread ; looks 
out of the window.') As I live, there he goes on old Dobbin 
this minit. 1 jest wonder if he's goin' down to Mehit Skin- 
ner's? He said as nmch last night when I refused him. Well 
of all things ! What he kin see in her is more'n I kin tell. 
Why, she wears a number seven shoe an' eats pie with her fork. 
{Sits down and commences sewing on Mart.'s coat.) If I was 
such an uneducated ignoramus as Mehit I'd steer clear of the 
matrimonial market, an' if Martin Witherspoon marries that 
toothless old maid, he needn't never propose to me agin. {Stops 
and holds tip coat.) That's a pretty good coat fer a tramp. 
There's a hair on it, tew. {Looks at hair.) It looks like one 
of mine, but 1 hain't been nigh him. I wonder what's inside 
that pocket ? If 1 was curious like some people, I presume I'd 
look into it. {As she says this she deliberately takes a letter 
from pocket and takes it from envelope.) Some folks is alius 
pryin' into other people's bizness, an' some isn't. I'm glad I'm 
an isn'ter. {Reads.) '' My dear Martin: I have some good 
news for you." {Looks Jip.) Now I wonder what them good 
news is? I don't feel 'tall curious, but 1 might as well look. 
{Reads.) " You will recollect a few years ago you bought one 
thousand shares of Arizona Copper stock for two hundred dol- 
lars. It is now worth one hundred dollars a share, and you 
kin sell your stock any day fer a hundred thousand dollars. 
Yer luvin' cousin, Jim Britt." {She thrusts letter in pocket 
and springs up in her excitejnent.) Massy sakes alive ! an' 
that hobo is wuth one hundred thousand dollars? What did I 
say to him when he spoke of matrimony? Did I refuse him 
pint blank? He hain't bad lookin', when ye come tew think 
about it. Sech deep blue eyes, jest the color of a robing's egg, 
an' he has sech an extinguished way with him, an' his conver- 
sation is so restless an' elevalored. I could have a hired girl, 
a steam-heated pianner an' a refrigerator. Why, he's a regular 
John D. Carneggy. {Again sits dotvn.) How modest he 
carries himself fer a millionaire. Why, it's jest like one of them 
ten cent dime novels by Laura Jean Libby. {Sighs.) I'll win 
that man if I have tew give him ham an' eggs twict a week. 
What name did he give? Martin Muldoon ! Huldah Muldoon 
wouldn't sound so bad. We could have an auiobiograph tew 



THE PRIM MISS PERKINS g 

ride around in an' a cheffyneer to steer ns. (^Looks around.') 
1 wish lie'd happen in. i^Gets up.) 1 believe I'll ring the 
bell — he'd git here before Martin Witiierspoon could make it 
with old Dobbin. How cheap Mister VVitherspoon looked on 
that old pelter of his. {E/iter Makt. in his sJiirt-sleeves ; she 
has laid coat on table and rushes up to him ; he starts back in 
surprise.) Oh, Martin ! — er — 1 mean Mister Muldoon, — I 
hope you did not find the work fatiguin' ? 

Mart. I iiave exhausted my knowledge of agricultural pur- 
suits, and would like to inquire casually upon which side of a 
cow you sit whilst you extract the lacteal fluid ? 

HuLD. Never mind the milking — sit down, Martin — I really 
feel as though I shoukl call you Martin, — may 1 ? 

Mart. Call me anything you wish. 

{^He sits down in one of the best chairs but immediately 
springs up.) 

HuLD. Take the sofy, Martie, — I'm goin' to call you 
Martie. I feel jest so as you're wuth it. You'll be more com- 
fortable on the sofy, an' I presume Mehitable Skinner won't be 
over, anyway. {He looks at her in surprise.) Lay yer hat 
on the table. 1 want ye to feel perfectly at hum. (^He drops 
on the sofa ; she shrieks a little from force of habit ; he 
springs up; slie pus lies fiim back.) Stay where you are, 
Martie; it was only a little spasm. It does seem good tew have 
a man settin' round the house. If there's anything i love 
better'n havin' a man settin' round the house, it's a hen settin' 
round the barn. 

Mart. Am I dreaming or have you had a change of heart? 

HuLD. That's jest it— it's my heart. (Sighs.) Why don't 
you call me Huldy ? 

Mart. I don't want to appear too fresh. 

HuLD. Do you know what I was thinkin' about when I 
\ieard yer light footstep on the back porch ? 

Mart, If I had wiped my feet? 

HuLD. I was thinkin' if I could get an honest, good lookin' 
man, I wouldn't care if he smoked — a little, — er swore — ^just a 
trifle. I think you understand me, Martie? 

Mart. I understand ye, but don't quite grasp your mean- 
ing. 

HuLD. I was thinkin' of gettin' married. There, I've up 
an' told ye ! We poor weak wimmin kin never keep a secret. 

Mart. Who is the lucky fellow ? 



10 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 

HULD. {giggii'ig)- I know I'm too young to think of sech 
fol-de-rol, but, Mariin, what would you say if I said that the 
man I had in mind wa'n't a thousand miles from here? 

Mart. 1 suppose it's Martin Wiiherspoon, where I stayed 
Inst night. 

HuLD. It's not Mister Witherspoon. (^Blurts out.) It's 
you, Martie. 

(S/af/s toiuard him ; he falls back on sofa and puts his feet 
up in t/ie air toiuard her to tvard her off.) 

Mart. Me? 

HuLD. Yes, you, Martie. I've a nice farm well stocked, 
an' about four thousand dollars in the bank. 

(7/<? sits up suddenly.) 

Mart. Of course, four thousand is a small sum 

{^Hesitates. ) 

HuLD. (aside). It seems small to him. 

Mart. But if you have carefully considered me an' think 
you can care for me in the same manner I've always been cared 
for, I might 

HuLD. {flopping down on sofa by his side). Oh, Martin ! 

(Ne springs over to the other end of sofa ; she follotvs liivi.) 

Mart. Steady there ! I have not fully decideil yel ; you 
know one must make haste slow in matrimonial ventures. Re- 
member, you know nothing of my antecedents. 

HuLD. I'm not afraid of them, an' I've been vaccinated 
anyhow. Oh, Martie, I feel you have come into my timid lit- 
tle life as the humble bee enters the hollyhock. My heart flut- 
ters whenever you speak, an' you have sech speakin' eyes. 
{As she rises.) I think we'll have ham and eggs fer breakfast, 
an' meybe a leetle pork cake an' apple sass. Don't ye think a 
cool glass of milk would rest ye up? 



{She bustles about the table.) 

u have no objections — Huld 
t smoke. 

{Takes pipe from his vest pocket.) 



Mart. If you have no objections — Huldah — I think I'll 
indulge in a short smoke. 



THE PRIM MISS PERKINS II 

HuLD, By all means, dearie. I alius did love the smell of 
a pipe. {Runs over and aiijiists pillow.') Can't ye lay down 
an' smoke jest as well? {^Pats the pillow ; lie stretches ont.) 
What a lovely head of hair you have. 

Makt. Is this a pipe dream, or am I still in the hay-stack ? 

HuLD. I'll get you a match ! {She runs and gets a match 
and liglits it.) Do you like wine? 

Mart. You may serve the wine presently. {As he stretches 
out on sofa and puts his feet over the end.) The pipe will do 
for now. 

{He lights tile pipe and site coughs and strangles.) 

HuLD. {turning her head and coughing). I never knew 
tobacco smoke smelled so sweet. 

Mart. While I am indulging in me afternoon siesta you 
might go out and salt the hens, shear the ducks and make up 
the beds for the calves, and when you get through wilh that I'll 
set you to work, Huldah. You don't object to my calling you 
Huldah ? 

I Hui.D. {sighing). I never knew Huldy was sech a sweet 
name. {Drajvs up a cfiair by him.) But you haven't made 
love to me, Marlie. I don't fancy long courtships, do you ? 
Martin Wiiherspoon was a stiddy kind of a lover, but one gits 
tired of the same old sweetheart after twenty- five or thirty 
years. 

Mart. I'm a frost when it comes to making love. 

HuLD. But you might call me your ducky. 

Mart. I don't believe in calling foul names. 

Hui.D. J feel I couldn't live without you. 

Mart. You can marry me and see. 

HuLD. How romantic it would be if you got down on yer 
knees an' popped the question. Martin Witherspoon never got 
down on his knees to n)e in his hull life. 

Mart. The cour.se of true love never bags at the knees. 

HuLD. 'Tvvould be jest like a story book, Martie — you on 
your knees askin' fer my heart an' hand. Excuse my girlisli- 
iiess, but 1 do love romance. 

iMART. I never read a story book in my life — 1 don't like to 
rend. 

HuLD. {giving him a poke). Who reads your letters, 
Martie? 

Mart. I don't remember of ever getting a letter. 



12 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 

HuLD. Oh, you sly fox ! Would you scold real hard if 
your little wife went through your pockets? 

Mart. It's very little she'd find in my pockets. (Si/s ///.) 
By the way, Huldah, where is my coat? i think I had a small 
bottle concealed in the side pocket. 

HuLD. I didn't notice any bottle in the pocket when I 
mended it, but I hain't one of them pryin' kind. 

Mart. Hand me my coat and I'll see for myself. (^She gels 
tip and gets coai.) It's delicious to have some one wait on 
you. 

HuLD. {(TS she britigs it to him'). I can sew with the best 
of them, if I dew say it. I kin sew with Mehitable Skinner any 
day, — I do hope she an' Martin Witherspoon will be happy, — 
maybe we'll give 'em our washing an' ironin' to dew. {As she 
hands him his coat, s lie pokes him slyly.') Don't lose any let- 
ters out of the pocket, you sly rascal. 

Mart, {taking coat). What letters? Where did you get 
this coat ? 

{He holds it up and looks it over.) 

HuLD. {gasping). It's the one you wore in here, Marty ! 

Mart, {laughing loudly). That is certainly a good joke. 
'Tain't my coat at all. {Laughs.) 

HuLD. {shrilly). Not your coat? 

Mart. Don't get nervous, Huldah, I didn't steal it. But 
you've mended another man's coat. My coat is blue, this coat 
is brown. {Laughs.) A good joke. 

HuLD. {slirieking and shaking coat iji front of him). Whose 
coat is this ? 

Mart, {laughing louder than ever). It must belong to the 
man where I stayed last night. 

Hui.D. {hysterically). Martin Witherspoon ? 

Mart. Yes, I've got his coat and he's got mine. 

HuLD. {yanking letter from pocket and looking at envelope). 
"Martin VVitherspoon." It's his coat and his letter, an' him 
that's wuth a hundred thousand dollars. {Shakes coat.) I 
thought I recognized that hair on the coat collar. {She rushes 
over to the windotv and looks out.) An' I refused him last 
night. 

(Mart, again lays b ick on the sofa puffing at his pipe.) 

Mart. You've got me, Huldah dear. 



THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 



n 



HULD. Shet up ! {She rushes over and tlirows Ins feet off 
on I he floor.') Git off'n that sofy with yer dirly feet. 

(Mart, sits up suddenly and stares at her.) 

Maut. {sadly). My pipe's out. 

HuLD. Take it out of your mouth and git. 

{^He springs up and runs over and lays his pipe on the table ; 
grabs his coat and stands looking at her.) 

Mart. My dear Miss Perkins 

Hui.D. Don't speak to me, — you've ruined my young life. 

{She bursts into tears ; he goes up to her.) 
Mart. Huldali ! 

{She turns on him fiercely ; he falls back.) 

Hui.D. Bah ! Take yerself away, — keep goin' till ye git 
out of sight an' then don't stop. 

Mart, {as he goes out). Stung! \^ Exits. 

HuLD. What a numskull I've been. Meliit Skinuer'll git 
that hundred thousand dollars, an' she never el in a tavern in 
her hull life. She'll go ridin' by in her biograph with blue gog- 
gles on. If Martin VVitherspoon would only drop in again. 
Why tlidn't he tell me of this money? He had a new necktie 
on last night; I oughter smelled a rat. What shall I do, what 
shall I do? {Hesitates a monit'iit.) I'll ring the dinner-bell. 
(^She rushes over to the rope and commences madly ringing the 
bell ; she drops cord and looks out of the window.) 1 wonder 
if he heard it ? He's no\Yhere in sight. 1 hope Mehitable will 
have sense enough to refuse him. {R//shes around.) Will he 
never come? One hundred thousand dollars gone to the dogs. 
1 must look like a fright. {Runs over to glass and smooths 
back her hair.) Phew ! how that pipe smells. If Martin comes 
in he'll think I've been smoking, an' he hates tobacco as bad 
as I do. {Sfie takes off Jier apron and commences wiping off 
sofa ; rushes over to table and in her excitement picks up 
Mart.'s//))^ and places it in lier moutli.) Phew ! {Comes to 
herself , yanks pipe from her mouth and smashes it on the floor.) 
Hark! Do I hear horse's hoofs? Meybe it's Martin. I'll 
ring the bell again. {Rushes over and rings bell.) Curfew 
must ring this afternoon. {There is a sound of horse' s hoofs ; 
they groiv louder.) It is hoof beats. They come nigher and 



14 THE PRIM MISS PliRKlNS 

nigher. (^Sounds grow louder.) It's old Dobbin's footprint. 
(^Rushes over to the 7vindow.) It's Martin Witherspoon. 
{Voice outside cries, " Whoa, Dobbin!") He's heard the 
dinner-bell ! 

{Door is suddenly opened and Mart, enters disguised in linen 
duster, chin whiskers, cowhide boots, and covered zvith 
dust ivhich flies about when he grabs Huld. iti his arms.) 

Makt. {(IS he opens his arms). Huldy ! 
Huld. Oh, Martin ! This is so sudden ! 

{Falls into his arms as curtain falls.') 



CURTAIN 



THE VAUDEVILLE STAGE 

A Collection of Short Plays and Sketches Suitable for 
Vaudeville Use 

CONTAINING 

Dead Reckoning, 2 m. 2 f. Mr. McArdle's Quest, 3 m. I J. 

The Insurance Agent, 1 m. 2 f. The Real Thing, 2 m. 

Interviewing a Granger, 2 ra. The Separation of the Browngi 

Jaclt's Bluff, 1 m. I f. ! m. 1 f. 

Miss Jones, Journalist, 1 m. 1 f. Smoke Up, 1 m. 1 f. 

Mor'd Alice, I m. 2 f. 

Price, 2J cents 



BAKER'S DARKEY PLAYS 

A Collection of Short, Humorous Plays in Black Face, 
Suitable for Negro Minstrel Entertainments 

CONTAINING 

Careless Cupid, 3 ra. 2 f. The Intelligence Office, 2 m. 2 f. 

De Trouble Begins at Nine, 2 m. Our Colored Conductors, 3 m. 

The Faith Cure, 5 m. 2 f. Scenes in a Sanctum, 6 m. 

The Man About Town, 4 m. I f. Sublime and Ridiculous, 3 m. 

Mrs. Didymus' Party, 2 m. Tricks Upon Travellers, 3 m. 
Oh, Well, It's No Use, 3 m. 

Price, 2^ cents 



THE ALL-STAR JOKE BOOK 

And Minstrel Guide 

A complete handbook and guide for minstrel sliovvs, containing a com- 
plete programme, makeup, dress, several complete Negro farces — in fact 
everything needed for a successful show ; all the latest jokes and funny 
sayings of the past season. 

Price, 2j cents 



UP-TO-DATE MINSTREL JOKES 

A collection of the latest and most popular Jokes, Talks, Stump 
Speeches, Conundrums and Monologues for use in Minstrel Shows and 
Vaudeville, many of which have never before appeared in print ; also a 
special department of Female Minstrel Jokes, Stump Speeches, and Mono- 
logues, arranged specially for " Lady Minstrels," this being the only col- 
lection of the kind ever printed. Enlarged by the addition of several 
Sketches and a list of the most popular Negro Sketches and Minstrel Songs, 
Price, 2^ cents 



VAUDEVILLAINIES 

A Collection of Sketches for Use in Vaudeville 
By Harry L. Neivto)i 
Comprising ten snappy twenty minute acts, many of which have been 
used one or more seasons by professional talent, 
Frice, 2j cents 

CONTENTS 
Chocolate Drops, 2 m. Then and Now, 1 m. 1 f. 

The Customs' Inspector, 2 m. The Third Degree— and Last, \m.\L 

From Soup to Nuts, 2 m. A Cali to Arms, 1 m. I f. 

Just Before the Battle, 1 m. I f. Her Second Time on Barth, 1 m. 1 f. 

Our Summer Boarder, 1 m. 1 f. Strenuous Mame, 1 m. I f. 

FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 

An Entertainment in One Scene 
By Jessie A. Kelley 
Seventeen males, eighteen females. Scenery unimportant ; costumes, 
modern and eccentric. Plays about an hour. A very easy and funny pre- 
sentation of the humors of railway travel, full of laughs and chances for 
local hits. In the class with " Scenes in the Union Depot," " The Village 
Post-Oflice," etc. Strongly recommended. 
Frice, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Conductor. Frances Cross, sinall daughter 

Brakeman. of Mrs Cross. 

Newsboy. Alyse Parker ) .. ., .. 

Mrs. yi\?,-YKVJS.-^,whogets onthe Maysie Richie y"'^^"'^^ gt^is- 

wrong train. Silas Noser, who has a nose. 

Mr. and Mrs. Alger, ami baby. Johnny Jackson, who asks ques- 
Mr. andMrs.Levaggi I an lions. 

Tony, Mary \tiV) V Italian Mrs. Marston, who is taking 

Peter Levaggi j family. Johnny with her. 

Mrs. Fussy, a rich woman, very Michael Murphy, ivho is polite. 

fussy. Israel Levitsky, who caftnot 

Robert, her nephew, anxious to speak English. 

please. Mrs. Precise ) very priiii 

Mame Jones ) , . , Mrs. Mannerly \ ladies. 

Liz Smith )^ooivery gins. ^^^^ Smarty, who tries to be 

Mrs. Mulligan, with her four funny. 

children. Mr. Austin, who feels rather 

Rube Hickey "I who are going cranky. 

Sal SOFER I to the circus. 'Rastus Jones, a darkey taking 
Edythe Ray ) high school his first ride. 

Pauline Porter j girls. Saul Cohen, an elderly Jew. 

Mrs. Cross. 

Nei.her the Levaggi nor the Mulligan children have any speaking part. 
Some characters may be omitted if desired and some can take two or more 
parts, i^s nearly all the parts are short and easy. The children's parts 
may b*; taken by adults dressed as children if desired. 



B* U}* Pincro's Plays 

Price, 50 Recite Cacb 



lUlin f^H ANNFI ^^*y ^^ Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
ITIllz-vriAlilitlj Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH i^^.tr^Ei^Tt 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THP PDHPI irATF Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
inC riWrLilU/lLlJCi females, scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TUC CPUr^AI MICTDCCC Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
lilL OLnUl/LlVllOlK.E-00 seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY Igt^^TaTel^^^v^e 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

QWCiJT I AVFlSinFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
DVYEi£tl LrrtVEilil/EiIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TUr TUf TMnrODf^I T comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
InL lnUlllll!.I\DUL.l nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TUU TIM17Q Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
IrlCt liluIjiS Scene. a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

TUr \Ur A WD CI7Y Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
inti W£./iI\.EiI\ 0£iA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ^^^^,;!^%J^. 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttx ^. pafeer ^ Companj> 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



Hi 



e ai6 103 569 5 



of $laps 

l&rite, t5 €entsf XEatf) 



AS Yftll I IKF IT Comedy in Fiye Acts. Thirteen males, four 
AJ IvU Lflbl< II females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

riMII I p Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
VA1U1L(L<L( tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Tlays a full evening. 

INdOMAff ^^^y 1" Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
IilUUul/U\ Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full eveni&g. 

MART STUART Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
1UAI\1 OlUAni males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE ^Sl^^^^^ SS 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

RirHFf JFU Play in Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
I\IVUL(MLiD ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a lull 
evening. 

THF RIVAI S Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
lULi RilALiJ Scenery varied; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^Xs^Li^ ffiTaVt^^^lcen^/r^T- 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL iX'/efmlS 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

l^alter ^. 'Bafeer ^ Company 

Ifo. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

8. J. PARKHILL A CO.. PRINTERS, BOSTON, U.S A. 



■^ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

Jliillllllllllilllillllllll 

016 103 569 5 ^ 



